Unskin

2007-04-26T13:24:00.000-07:00

Ignored.

Mr Mysterious

2007-04-23T13:07:00.000-07:00

It was the same look that took my breath away.
That silent look. I heard your voice once. Just once.

Still, you stayed that silent figure that swallowed my being. Mr. Mysterious, I used to call you.

The same time, the same class room, and the same look in your eyes. Mr. Mysterious stood there.

Were you waiting for me? Or were I imagining. I longed to that moment, to be swallowed in your eyes.

Sweet days of innocence ...
How shy I used to be, and how pure. I remember the butterflies you caused. I remember my cheeks burning under your gaze. I feared you would see through how I felt. How weak.

That silent look, once again, after those years, were able to cast their spell upon me, once again.

You lost some weight and looked even younger. How did I look to you? I grew older. Colored with make up. Did I lose that innocence? Does it show?

Am not that plain innocent girl I once were.

I wanted to cross my arms and hide my soul. Its my soul that i feel will break free. It longs to the warmth of those memories. Sweet

My Stranger,
Heard his voice once.

My Stranger,
My Mysterious,
Don't steal it once again.

Why you? After all this time
you came back.
To break through,
Again.

Men

2006-11-25T16:02:00.001-08:00

ICON MEN Originally uploaded by Symbolizer.

Why can't Men feel the need of security in women? The need to be told that things will be okay. That certain things will always be the same, like their affection, or commitment?

Why few Men do recognize the importance of fulfilling such an important need when they are so obsessed about women fulfilling their own?

How come life, that is built on the bound between Women and Men is built on their own differences which are the essence of their own struggle to understand each other?

- Its raining.

I just can't believe how Men do ignore this, or are they really ignorant of that? Few words can whirl the whole universe of a women. A little honesty, few tender words, a genuine smile, truth spoken without regret.

- It stopped. Not even 5 min since it started. Like a Man's passion. A passing cloud I suppose.

Am just so frustrated with men. They seem to steer the wheel towards the wrong direction as soon as you step food on board, and soon you would jump off swimming a tiresome distance to go back where you stood before. And wait. Wait for the next tide which might bring the right boat, with the right captain towards the right destination.

- The sky still roaring. Sounds like an angry man. Roaring.

- Silence.

PowerBook Keyboard

2006-11-24T12:26:00.001-08:00

keyboard.jpg Originally uploaded by swardraws.

PowerBook Fallin Keys! Problem SOLVED!

2006-11-24T10:39:00.000-08:00

As a Mac user, there was nothing more frightful that a key falling off my Powerbook. When it first happened me, I lasted nearly 2 months without my right Shift key. Yes it was a nightmare. I spent nearly one hour daily trying to hock it back in, but i failed day after day, till I accidently did it.

Today I had to relive that nightmare, but lucky enough, it didn't last long.
It took me less than a minute!!!

I was only able to do that after reading a comment written by David Marasco on Scoot Janousek's Blog under the title of "I Killed My Macbook pro Delete Key" (and I am telling you it does feel true, like you've killed someone!), and here it is:

David Marasco Says:
"The main idea is to pop the face of the key out of the little plastic “folding chair” holder (she wants you to reconnect these, it’s much easier with them apart). Without the key, it is very easy to re-seat the folding chair. After the chair is in, simply press the key onto it and it will snap into place."

Its so damn easy! Its wonderful! It and it works!!
wanna take a look at the blog? Here it is folks:

www.scottjanousek.com/blog/2006/07/27/i-killed-my-macbook-pro-delete-key/
Actually this is the same page with which has David's comment :)

THANKS DAVID MARASCO WHEREVER YOU ARE!

Thomas Nashe

2006-11-13T06:13:00.000-08:00

In Time of Pestilence

1593

ADIEU, farewell earth's bliss!
This world uncertain is:
Fond are life's lustful joys,
Death proves them all but toys.
None from his darts can fly;
I am sick, I must die—
Lord, have mercy on us!

Rich men, trust not in wealth,
Gold cannot buy you health;
Physic himself must fade;
All things to end are made;
The plague full swift goes by;
I am sick, I must die—
Lord, have mercy on us!

Beauty is but a flower
Which wrinkles will devour;
Brightness falls from the air;
Queens have died young and fair;
Dust hath closed Helen's eye;
I am sick, I must die—
Lord, have mercy on us!

Strength stoops unto the grave,
Worms feed on Hector brave;
Swords may not fight with fate;
Earth still holds ope her gate;
Come, come! the bells do cry;
I am sick, I must die—
Lord, have mercy on us!

Wit with his wantonness
Tasteth death's bitterness;
Hell's executioner
Hath no ears for to hear
What vain art can reply;
I am sick, I must die—
Lord, have mercy on us!

Haste therefore each degree
To welcome destiny;
Heaven is our heritage,
Earth but a player's stage.
Mount we unto the sky;
I am sick, I must die—
Lord, have mercy on us!

Note

2006-10-31T14:53:00.000-08:00

I used to do so many things. I used to write more, read more, paint and draw more, dance more, think more positively, dream more, hope more dance more, and smile more.

I don't know why i stopped doing those things. Is it certainly not because of growing up, but it might be because of the things "I got myself into". i get mixed up with the wrong people, made the wrong choices, and been sleeping more, maybe.
I've been sleeping more than ever.

Like most of my day is spent in bed and the other is watching television and eating. Yes, I gained more weight, and am feeling more depressed when it comes to clothes. Most of the things I love to wear doesn't look as soon on me anymore. And everyone who is trying to make me feel better about myself in saying how good i look makes me feel worse about myself cause I know that I am not, and that I have been better and feeling better about myself.

My Birthday is getting close, and like last year and the pervious one and the one before, I make a vow to myself that by my Birthday, things would be better. I would work so hard to reach my goals so when it is my birthday, I would kind of feeling like starting over again in hope that things will be better.

However, this time, am not feeling like trying. I can hear myself saying, "what's the use? things will never get better. You are a total ruin and no one really care if you do make your life better or worse". I would listen to that and in the same time deny it, and fight it. "I will make a difference. I need my life to get better. I want to feel better about myself and my world. I need to feel like I've done something useful in my life, even though it might be hopeless and resistant to change".

Zombi

2006-08-29T11:36:00.000-07:00

I feel numb. woke up in a still world. Walking like a zombi around empty headed. nothing makes a difference. Nothing has a meaning. Nothing is worthy.
I tried to kill that feeling. More emptiness. Gained a smile from a friend, it slowly faded away.
Emptiness. Colorless. Cold. Dumb.
Slept too long in darkness. I woke up not remembering any of my dream. Just empty.
My mouth taste bitter to nothingness. I don't feel like eating anything.

La Grande Strawberry Cheese Cake

2006-08-10T15:19:00.000-07:00

Cheese Cake, originally uploaded by Lixrael.

I was suppose to make my famous strawberry cheese cake today for the gathering at my aunt's tonight, however, things didn't go as they were planed...

I got the ingredients and went through process in my mind, and was truck by a gap. There is something missing ... I went through the process over and over again and couldn't go over this gap. Finally, I gave up and went searching for the original recipe in one of Kuwait Four Mills and Bakeries Company’s recipe books (great collections with 100% accuracy). I found all sets except the one I wanted!

At my aunt’s, I asked one of my cousins to scan me the recipe and send it to me so I would save it in my laptop for a better keeping. But then I had a better idea; I will post it in my blog! So I will never ever lose it and for you to try it out!!

And oh, as for the missing part, it turned that there wasn’t any! Man that was bad lol…

Enjoy :)

PS:
I do have half frozen strawberries with half fresh for the filling, and add a layer of fresh strawberries before I pour on the strawberry filling for double strawberry cheese cake ;)

My little Cousin

2006-08-08T14:42:00.000-07:00

BabyBu, originally uploaded by Lixrael.

My aunt traveled with her little family leaving behind her youngest child, a daughter of 10 months, with me to take care after her. It was the best solutions since I am now considered a permanent resident at my grandma's where my aunt is living, in which then, the change wouldn't be that dramatic for her.

Now it has been already a week since they left, and I am already noticing a difference in her growing personality. She is starting to be picky with her food, with toys, and most interesting, she is finally trying her best in verbal communication.
Of course, no words yet, but a couple trend of sounds that she believes to be comprehendible. Am trying to teach her to say Mama or Papa, or even something similar to my name since many kids have been successful in saying my name in their early stages of babbling due to its simplicity. My brother used to call me Ade when he was a baby boy :) Not really bad. I actually find that cute and still desirable unlike other sissy name they might call me in their attempt to make my name sound softer to the grownup ears.

I am really enjoying my time with her ... she seems to be filling my day with joy. The best part is early mornings when I wake up on her giggles and teasing calls. However, that was different in the last two days ... She seems to be having nightmares or annoying thoughts in her sleep. She would moan bitterly and kick nervously in her bed. She would wake up from 2-4 times at night. One reason my grandma gave was her sleeping patterns. She has been sleeping more in the afternoon leaving little for her troubled sleep at night.
That wouldn't be a problem if I don't have to wake up early in the morning for work. Because of her restless sleep, I've been late for work and start to feel tired even before midday. I miss her giggles ...
I was thinking of letting her sleep with me in bed, but I can't risk it. She is an active on, even in sleep. I often see her legs and arms twisted in weird places or see that she have turned all the way around in her sleep. I can only bring her in bed with me when it near 7 in the morning. That is my time to leave home and head for work. I would give the responsibility for the maid to watch over her will my grandma wake up in an hour or two.

I wonder if I will have the chance of raising my own child. Am taking this change to do my best in making a difference in my little cousin's life. Would she remember these days we're spending with each other? I doubt it. I hardly remember anything in her age. Most of my childhood memories concentrate on the age of 5, I believe.
Sometimes I get the notion that I am mixing up my imaginary life with the real one. Sometimes, I doubt having any imagination then, and would realize that I've been socked with nothing but innocence of a child.

Speaking of innocence, where did that disappear? The would now nearly dead. Innocence and imagination are part of pictures and graphics made by the technical world. Everything now is physical. Little is left to the imagination. And even those graphic tendencies are full with violence and complicated ethics rather than simple virtues of friendship and honesty.
I don't know, things were similar. I miss those poor drawings of cartoons, those innocent faces...

Its nearly midnight now, and I have to leave soon for bed :) Umm If I even have children, I would love to share with them what I had. Nevertheless, I am not sure that is going to be the best choice. I think I should leave the changing course and their choices to make. Even though I know how hard that is, esp when I always want to make them avoid the trouble I have in my own life and the hard lessons I have learned through my mistakes ... My relationship with sister is the greatest example. Anyway, got to run now :)
Good night, and sweet dreams.

Back to Life

2006-08-07T14:53:00.000-07:00

good_morning_sunshine, originally uploaded by Lixrael.

Am back. I thought I would just start off with a couple of words instead of an empty post even though I don't have much to say.

Things have cleared up. Financially, am stable. After the thing I went through, my goal is to save up as much as possible by the end of each month, paying off my family for the money they loaned me to cover my ass, and am trying my best to buy only what I need, not what I want. That means, no CDs (replaced those with my own online downloads), no books (so am stuck with limited number of textbooks I get from work, some are nice. But hey! I still can buy Reader's Digest: good and cheap), no spoiling my car with fancy wash or polish for a time, no new clothes for the time being, though I need a pair of jeans in place of the one my cousin tore at my ass. *Looking at the things I wrote* Man ... I need a new perfume too ... but will leave that to later and I will hold on to my Body Shop ... not really bad. Am happy :)

Emotionally, umm how can I say it ... mature? That is the word indeed. I know what I want and what I don't and I am not giving up on looking nor am lowing my levels.
It is not easy, I am telling you. To have those nice guys around you who you would want them to get closer to you and have a little fun with, but hey, if they lack the essence, I am afraid I have to draw a line and slow down and cut it off before the guy reach out for something that ain't his, you know what I mean?

Lately, a friend of mine has been giving me more than just a support. Beside helping me clearing my head, he filled me with hope and encouragement. I am writing this now because of him, and I promise you people, am going back to drawing and my first, is going to you :)

I need to save up for an ipod .. hummm.

Okay folks :) from now on, I will write something every day. Even if it’s just a couple of words or whatever is going inside of my head.

Oh oh!! I got something great to tell you!! :D My hair grown to cover my neck!! God I miss my hair and am so happy to get some of it back!

The rape of the Lock

2006-06-05T13:29:00.000-07:00

DSC00366_1, originally uploaded by Lixrael.

Every lost lock would remind me of my mistake, and I shall grow my hair, my faith, and my strength to conquer

Great expectations

2006-06-04T14:16:00.000-07:00

I believe this famous book title gives a perfect title for my own life, at least, my earlier life that broke into a new start three days ago.
I've been fooled into great expectations. Expectations that grew out of the naive concept "do good, and you shall be awarded for your good deed'. I was cheated big time by a person I stupidly trusted.

A person who seemed to share some of my being, a person similar to me ... A lost figure in the crowd that seemed to have stumbled again and again and just didn't get the meaning of it as being damned or just living the mischief of life.

Story short, he stole 5,000 KD from me, and left me with lots of shit to deal with when he just simply, ran away from the country. Cool eh?

Walking on the beach.
Lunches we had.
The splashes we watched and laughed so load at.
Taking him to the hospitals, cry for his pain.
Driving my car, drive testing it, driving me crazy with excitement.
Endless talk that then seemed to worth everything.
Watch over him, worrying about him, praying for him.
Running around in a hope to make things best for him.
Gathering shells on early mornings.
Buying him breakfast to eat while I drive.
Waiting countless hours on a meeting he would skip on sleeping.
Ignoring my calls, calling me when he wants...

Things that meant for me, and might have meant nothing for him then. It might not have been than important after all. For the worth should be shared if it is something concerning two.

Great expectations ... oh I dreamt of him rising. I dreamt of seeing him reaching the top, or at least the middle, and a look that would say thank you, for everything you've done for me. I appreciate it and worth every second of it. There are even some who mistaken us as bother and sister, others husband and wife, or girlfriend boyfriend. Even his wife, whom I knew of later on, is feeling jealous of the bond we had. The bond we had, and turned to be a big lie upon other lies.

Great expectations ... I’ve trusted him, gave him everything and expected something that I shouldn't have. A dog can be more loyal than him, what in the hell were I expecting from him?! How was I fooled by him?! Oh the false I have seen and pushed aside, giving him excuses more than he deserves. I gave out all, got nothing but those looks ... and a smile and a thank you, that didn't feel like any kind of warmth. It was weird. He would walk, and turn and say, thank you, no one has been this nice to me before. A kiss on my hands, a gentleman's touch ... that swept my feet away. Great expectations. What a fool ...

why expecting too much from other instead of expecting little? I never asked for money, I did expect appreciation indeed, but nothing more than a thank you.

God, like its not the first time, and I still trust people blindly shutting the ugliness and nursing on their little beauty. Always fall for the same mistake ... of caring, and trusting to end up broken, again.

As a first step for me to heal, I attempted to make a long lasting mark to remind me of my mistake. Something to remind me of my stupidity every time I look to the mirror, every time I touch my hair, every time I go to bed and search for that soft locks spreading around me. I've cut my hair ... so short, so uneven, so beautifully.

Every lost lock would remind me of my mistake, and I shall grow my hair, my faith, and my strength to conquer. For great expectations always bring along a lesson. Even if the expectations were never to be fulfilled, a lesson would always fill in the blanks.

Updated Psychological Analysis of anther professional Psycho-freak: I actually like the sound of this

2006-03-21T02:11:00.000-08:00

"You have an attitude problem towards life, yourself and others."

Kiss my ass dude ... I already know this, DA?

Fallin

2006-03-10T09:35:00.000-08:00

, originally uploaded by Lixrael.

Regularly sick. Of everything including my unchanging self. Stubborn as hell. Things happen in the wrong way. Timing that makes me laugh. I really don’t know if it is poor management, or fate.
Things never go right no matter what I stopped trying to stop them from happening. I just wait and watch. And pity my unfortunate self. Why? Cause I want things to go on differently. Wish that things would go along just fine for me to have a nice day. If you see me smiling along, know that it is the only thing that I can do. Crying or sadness is another defeat am stubborn to take. Though I admit my defeat silently and curse under my breath the day I was born.

My stupid hope gave me another shitty promise, another fake hallucination. Someone seemed perfectly the one who would save me. Done my best to keep his pace, but then it all came clear that once again it was self delusion. I made the picture so clear and true, gave it color and promises, and even made myself believe that my search finally gave a halt.
But again, tears and pain, and self pity gave in to the stupid promises. Here I am broken and walking away supported by my over protective stubbornness.

Last night the idea of death came upon me, and I started to draw my imagination’s brush across the empty space above my head. Here they told me lay the line, drew a middle line, am in this fucked up life wishing and end, and here across, have the empty space no one came from again. Religion fancies a duel, of good and evil. The end of battle reveals your ever lasting reward. Heaven, or Hell. I am sure of Hell more than ever before. Heaven tastes weird and unfaithful. Hell bitter and strong shatters of pain.

I might sound as someone who is ridiculing the whole line of faith, but am just a wonderer trying out his skills of reasoning and mathematical calculations. My own faith promises none of this. And empty void is more of something to wait upon than something sure and perfect.

I feel myself drowning into something that freezes me numb. Am shivering of disease corrupting my body and soul and no cure I would bother to believe in to sink in my desire to heal.

I’d rather be abused and tortured in life than in death. Something that is more real than empty promises of heaven and hell. What I hate is the self torture that eats me within. Of Questions never answered. Answers that are not enough to satisfy my thirst.

I am thirsty. Nothing is enough. Nothing is ever enough and am still lost within.

Am looking for a new religion, a new preacher to teach me how to live in this world of ours. Ours I say, for we who creates what we see and feel and later on, to believe.

I am an artist who forgot how to create. A poet lost its sense of words. A mother lost her children. I am a loner that stubborn to have a partner. Am lost, and not willing to give in but to the truth that would breaks me to pieces and gathers me whole.
Till then, am burning down in flames of hell.

The Circle Goes

2005-12-15T02:04:00.000-08:00

I, originally uploaded by Lixrael.

I am a woman,
He is a man.
That is the only difference crucial to our making.
Differences that I am willing to "compromise"
Cause not only he is worth it, but most importantly cause those differences are what make him attractive to me.

He is a man of himself.
Independent, which scares me, because I know he is as whole with me as he is without me.

His heart soft as marshmallows,
His lips, soft as rose petals,
Skin kissed by the holly sun,
Hair dark with mystery,
Eyes deep as the human's consciousness,
Narrow as it's patience.

If I can only steel his precious time,
And make him stay a little bit longer.

He brings such pleasure to my life.
A free bird never knew the meaning of a home.
Just now and then, he builds himself a temporary nest,
And so he is off again.

I would tell myself that I wouldn't be able to conceal my feelings,
Nor be able to hold him down.
But am so tired of standing all alone again, and again with never ending attraction and lose, then,
I'll stand alone all over again.

Wake Up!

2005-11-20T13:03:00.000-08:00

CHILD, originally uploaded by Lixrael.

More than once I have read about the worsen situation of Kuwaiti society. The latest were, Kuwaiti mothers, and Kuwaiti Departments at the ministries.

Last Thursday, I have read an article in Arab Times around the irresponsible behavior of Kuwaiti mothers. One situation the writer mentioned was of a Kuwaiti mother taking her child for vaccination. The mother walked in followed by her maid holding her child. When the nurse came to give the child his shot, she told the mother to hold her baby to calm him down. Instead of rushing in, she ignored the nurse and told the maid to hold the child. No, it didn’t end her. After giving the child his shot, the nurse told the mother what to do to ease the pain and inflammation of the shot given. Yes, you would expect the mother to do this part, but it seems not. The mother continued her … I don’t know what am I to call it, by instructing the maid of what she shall do back at home.
I don’t know about you, but I can’t imagine myself doing that to “my child”. I kept reading the article with mouth wide-open. People passing by me at the café were staring at me, I just wish they realized what horror I have been reading. I have seen such situations. Kids going shopping, and dinning out with their maids and drivers while they should be with their “real” parents. Or at least one of them. I am talking about kids, children under 10!

After that shock I read, I heard another disastrous one told by first hand experience. A case in one of the schools, of a girl in the first grade who speaks her maid’s Arabic-Sera-Lanki dialect. She not only knows how to properly talk, but find a great difficulty in understanding the teacher. As expected, she hardly passes the exams, and she is made a joke.

Her mom came after endless calls near the end of last semester, not as a result of her daughter’s difficulty at school, but to complain about the harassment her daughter is complaining about. “They call me a maid!” Huh, only for being called that?! What about her education? Why is your daughter is speaking like that? Don’t you spend time with her? What about her father? “I am very busy, we don’t spend much time at home, and she has the maid to stay with. Family? Oh we don’t have any relations”. Huh??! The teachers had to talk back to the girl to make her understand. But that wasn’t enough. She is failing, and the mother doesn’t seem to understand her crime. The school can’t do anything to stop the girls harassing the child. Teaching her separately can’t be done on the account for the other students at class. Her mom, I doubt if she understands what a mom is …
I swear I was about to cry. How in the hell can this happen?! Am not a mother, but my instinct refuses such behavior, revolt against this ABUSE. Yes I am saying this load and clear, ABUSE. The definition of such treatment, and neglect is “Child Abuse”. And the fact to realize is that this abuse is nation wide! God …

When are you going to realize the sacred relation between mother and child? Family? Yeah, not only mothers are in this, but fathers too.
I don’t know where to begin. I have so much in me I want to say. I have a burning anger at today’s Kuwaiti society. I am considered about the Kuwaiti Society is because is MY society, I belong to it. Represents me, either I like it or not. I can’t escape its criticism.

Now, the Kuwaiti Ministries. I am sure that what am about to talk about is familiar to everyone who have had some kind of paper work at the ministries. Those buildings, deserted most of the time by its “Kuwaiti employees”. I will choose some of the things that are too much to tolerate:
• Empty offices.
• Endless empty instructions, “go to this room”, “no go to that guy”, “not her, the other room”, “you’re in the wrong building”, “next corridor”, “not here, try the other room”.
• You reach the person you are finally before half an hour of closing time, and he would say, “come tomorrow, we’re closing”.
• Lost “documents”.
• Nonsense, nearly silly regulations that pops up every now and then just to slow the unnecessary process.
• Delay in simple paperwork because of the absence of “wasta”.
• Blank, unfriendly faces, nearly rude behavior.
• Crowded rooms waiting for a group of employees to finish their two hours breakfast.

Symptoms of Kuwaiti Ministries. I am living those even when am part of it myself. But thank God, am not affected by the disease yet. Actually, people are shocked to know that am Kuwaiti cause I am not riding the same wave.
I have observed closely, tried to analyze and discuss those faults. But mysteriously, am ignored as well, being the new one still after working in the Department for the past two years, nearly two years.
It just … wrong.
It is true that working in public sector kills you painfully with neglect, laziness, lack of challenge and slow development but still, work is work. Ethics are part of it as for anything you’re doing. Seriously, lack of ethics is horribly affecting our damned country. It suppose to be nourished by the Islamic traditions and stuff, but I am not seeing any of that. Nor in today’s life, and absolutely not the next. Unless some movement would shake the being of this nation.

My grandma is telling me that there is no use of writing this once again. It has been mentioned many times, but change is nearly impossible. But I am going to mention it, this time and whenever I have the chance to. I will never give up screaming those complains and those horrible facts eating up the society I consider my own.
Even when my posts aren’t read, I will go on, maybe one would pass by and notice this voice and think about it and give it a shot to make his/her life better by working his ways. Change is hard to make, but not impossible to try out. You and me can make a simple change that would lead to a greater one.

Time to take Back

2005-11-12T07:23:00.000-08:00

horse, originally uploaded by Lixrael.

These clouded days reminds me of those I had with a friend of mine years ago. We used to drive out to the desert where his friend keeps two horses of his. We would drive along them and watch those beautiful creatures.
The elegant movements of their race, full of pride. Each muscle moving with perfect harmony with the other. I tried to draw a sketch of them more than once and ended with more than six incomplete sketches, which were so beautiful still. I accepted my defeat with great pleasure.

Such moments cannot be captured on paper more than being printed in an eternal picture in mind.

Now those moments seem to be a memory out of time and place. A journey I took out of reality to charge my feelings with a queer kind of peacefulness. I remember driving across sand hills, scattered flocks grazing upon newly grown grass, cool refreshing wind brushing my face and the smell of sand full of promising rain. The touch of another life, that powerful heartbeat, that warm musky smell, those big eyes full of pure silent emotions telling of a world I have been missing in every sparkle of life around me.

I freely smiled to heavens, and back to the newly made friend that seemed to share the exact blissful feeling. There was not a better place I wanted to be. Not a better company.

I didn’t know the guy well then, but I took the chance without a second delay. It would be a long time till I enjoyed such a great time. I am sure that if such a chance is offered to me now, I would think more than twice of taking that risk and I would probably say no and miss all the fun.

I wonder when did I lose that feeling of trust. When I lost all belief in goodness and well intensions. When did I start looking at the worse more than the best things can offer.
Maybe I got a different meaning to those now. I actually do look at myself then and ask myself how have I been so naive. How stupid I was. The innocent turned to the naïve, the goodness to stupidity. Forgiveness became such a high cost, and regret a price I wont pay for anything even for a better lesson.

It seems that I have changed to a more dull version of myself.

However, I am reconsidering my creation and am regarding a better chance of change. I miss the old me, either I admit that or deny it. A friend, a nearly stranger, influenced this awakening call and I own this to you. It was a different matter that we have discussed, but when I searched its roots, it turned that it was me after all, who was stubborn to learn the real lesson. Not the fake one others claim.

I have hardened myself running after empty allusions and promises of greatness. Building a personality isn’t by building walls, but breaking them down.

Turning Things Over

2005-06-16T11:06:00.000-07:00

Coloured Smoke, originally uploaded by Lixrael.

I hate to admit it but I miss you.
I dreamt of you last night.
Things were nice and sweet.
But it was a dream, soon came to an end.
I am still feeling a bit guilty.
Wonder if I was mistaken or even stupid.
I miss your voice, and
Am not sure that who sounded in the dream was really you.
It did however provoke my feelings.
He was you, and you were him, sweet as ever.

At work, I kept thinking of it,
Over and over again.
I wanted to call you so bad, to hear your voice.
To comfort me like when you used to when I had nightmares or couldn’t sleep.
Calling you from work was a trick I wanted to try,
Like our friend who brought things to off the cliff.
However, it is not me who goes through those twisted ways.
If I am going to do it, I shall seek you in the light.
Your eyes look their best in the light, yet not your teeth.

"Smoking is a social habit", remember that?
Do you realize how badly are they affecting your teeth?
Did you fix them as she told you? Cleaned them or whatever.

You always listen to her, mesmerized
While you were to me deaf so many times.

I always believed you were able to decode my signs,
My hidden messages I sent so many times while you looked at me
With a puzzled crystal glance.
There was always a hope that you might understand,
You got most of the meaning, still stubborn you ignored them to make
A different interoperation just to torment me more.
You told me that I am making sense so many times, but not when I needed you.
And when I did and you saw it clear, you stepped back and waited for me to seek you.
You know me better than that, to understand that I don’t seek comfort or love.
I expect it, always expect it.
Sometimes I do get what I want and more, but never from you.
You always step back when I need you, till I seek you in desperation.

This time, I don’t believe you would care, I have hurt your angel, and I lost mine.

I miss you.

A friend of mine told me I have difficulty to over come things.
He told me I am a tough cookie.

Now I can see what he meant, and yes its true.
Then what?

The Awakening

2005-06-04T14:12:00.000-07:00

Awakening
Originally uploaded by Lixrael.

“I am a devilishly wicked speciment of the sex [female sex], but some way I can’t convince myself that I am.”

“The years that are gone seems like dreams – if one might go on sleeping and dreaming – but to wake up and find –oh! Well! Perhaps it is better to wake up after all even to suffer, rather than to remain a dupe to illusions all one’s life.”

“There are periods of despondency and suffering which take possession of me, but I don’t want anything but my own way. That is wanting a good deal of course.”

– The Awakening

I finished reading “The Awakening” by Kate Chopin, a classical novel today. It highlights the peak of women’s writings and the start of a revolutionary age in which women have discovered and demanded their right to enjoy as much as the male sex.

When I was assigned to read Kate Chopin’s, I thought it would be boring to read such a classic, especially written by a woman. I have always thought that women tend to give away more to sentiment than they do to more significant notions of the mind. It did end in tragedy and loss as much as where it began as expected, nevertheless, The Awakening captured my admiration and respect for its creative successful presentation for a woman’s rise and fall through what seems to be the epiphany of her being.

The rich use of the language and its imagery is amazing. Chopin, seeking not only to indulge your mind in thought, but she also to capture all your senses through detailed elaborated presentation of a woman’s awakening.
The rebirth of Edna itself out of the sea, as an image of the goddess Venus Aphrodite, a child of the sea, which can be both wild with adventurous and outrageous and in the same time can be loving and soothing, a spirit driven by passion and countless discovering to make and others to recreate.
Along such images of the sea, the use of flight and swimming captured my attention. They did not mean freedom though escape, but the opposite, an action that takes effort and determination meant only for the able and the deserving.

I saw myself in Edna in many different perspectives: the dreamer (not the realist), the lover (blind with passion), the philosopher (lost in meaning and still ever indulging in a restless research), the knight (not the maiden, proud and responsible), and the restless soul that can never find satisfaction in the ordinary.

The Awakening would certainly mark as one of my favorite readings now, yet am not certain if it really was helpful at all. It was just another good read.

Waves of Change

2005-06-04T14:10:00.000-07:00

Black Sea
Originally uploaded by Lixrael.

Cried like Hell

2005-05-28T12:49:00.000-07:00

Well, it has been 40 days since my cousin passed away.
Can’t believe how time flew by.

It has been over 40 since I woke up from my friendship illusion.
I kind of miss you, especially when I needed the comfort you used to feed me.

I cried like hell last night in the Hussainia till I got this headache that rested in my head like a heavy bird of burden and my eyes were so sore I couldn’t open them. Not only for the loss of my cousin, but mostly for the loss of you. Of how much you mean to me, and for my remarkable weakness.
Women came to console me thinking I was in love with him or something, while I cried for you. It is somehow the same case, but the lover is unknown.
I cried for my sake too. So trapped in madness hopeless and tired of it. Cried for my lost faith in god and the irony of it. I cried for my need …

So finally I cried, and got most of my anger and frustration out which was pressed inside for too long. It was such a relief, somehow.

Somehow, but I need more.

Peaceful White I seeked

2005-05-25T15:11:00.000-07:00

Empty White Room
Originally uploaded by Lixrael.

Am beginning to hate this place. Tried to make myself used of being a regular lonely, still, who am l fooling? I am so.

It used to bring me comfort and peace. I can't feel it, nor find it in them white corners of this place. Not in that corner, not under that table, nor my one favorite table and not even in front of this window l enjoyed looking through one.

All what l can feel is pain and regret.

They asked about you two. I didn’t know what to say, just that you moved into a different way. Made up an excuse for you, distance and being busy and stuff. I didn’t know why I gave one. Maybe cause I didn’t want to be looked at a loser, or worse.

Still, they gave me free chocolate ice cream to sooth my loneliness. It did me kind of good.

In my way out, I was saying goodbye to all this white, and stared to the windchimes and thought of having a ringtone or two.
Every time we passed by them, I swing that and listen attentively to what it had to say. Somehow, waiting for it to delight my sadness away.

I did not belong. I shouldn’t have been there anyhow.

I swinged that still, and listened. For the first time, I got nothing but silence. I can see it swing back and forth. I thought I went deaf, or dying. It was weird.

All through the way back home, to another loneliness and stillness,
I thought of you. Not her, you. Only you. How much you meant to me,
And how much you are to me now.

I don’t think that it changed a bit. But am too stubborn to admit.
And again, I will go there and seek the peacefulness of the white walls,
The music, and
The once upon a time.

Pink Plumeria

2005-05-23T15:52:00.000-07:00

Pink plumeria
Originally uploaded by superhero.

Colors of Passion. Ain't in the meaning of flowers, and not even in its perfume. Its the color that shows the passion, warmth, and sweetness of those beauties.

Answers

2005-05-23T15:41:00.000-07:00

For you, its the "Forgive me" which holds the answers.

You're always, too late,
Too busy,
and extremely in love.

I don't blame you, but don't ask me why I do this and that.

Getting it Out

2005-05-21T09:03:00.000-07:00

The fauve woman
Originally uploaded by Lixrael.

I am the known and the unknown.
I walk among you a queen, a philosopher, and me.

I smile to everything I see,
I believe I know it all, cause I have been there before,

I am not trying to judge or to be a goddess,
just share with my look at things and what things I knew have been.
I know what might be the next step,
I know what might be gong through your head,
I know what might be now and then,
but never to the extension to know the end.

I just read what my mind built in the back of my head.
Though my humble experience in side my known self and
the other side of me you never knew.

I am the most unpredictable woman you might meet every day.
You might be the one who smiled at me that other day.
I am a crazy driver, a mother early not to have had any child,
I am the wise,
I am the fool.

Yes I am the fool for I seek what I cannot have, at least forever.
I lust for handsome men, and even some cute ladies that turn your head.

I have created my own prison, through ultimate passion.
Yet, achieved my glory though my little goals when i search for more than them.

I enjoy the little things given to me,
in addition what I found in need and reached them with my own unharnessed need.

Sometimes I wonder why I am making this effort to type this away,
then the answer comes as insuring the person in me,
Of who I am, and what I came to be,
in my own making, and you beside me.

Sometimes I seem to lost the meaning of what is to be me.
I can't even make a link with the person that reflect me in the mirror.

She seems to be ugly sometimes with her deeds,
and another a queen that I can't believe that it might be me.
I want more than to be her, but to taste her and please her as my queen.

I am typing this away instead of writing it inside my jammed head.
It is a relief that I am getting at least to read my head, even when i can't understand its meaning.
Reading is a big gift, you know.
Understanding comes later after much reading and questioning and writing sheets of unread paper to someone who might not care to read it or even burn them away.

Ashes to ashes,
Dust to dust.

Non connects the other you say?
Its my head, read it, and one day you might understand it.
Why understand it? I don't know, it was your choice to start reading.

Am not writing to an audience, I am writing for myself.
You made a choice, you might like, you might not,
You might share a thought, you might not.

Just pass it to the other blog.

The Burning

2005-05-21T08:43:00.000-07:00

Broken Glass
Originally uploaded by Lixrael.

I feel safe when you are around me, even when you are angry.
I walked away, and still peak on you walking around the hall, there around the corner, or, across the street.

I've lost you to others,
But, still
I love you.

You've ignored me a thousand times,
And I said nothing, nor complained.

When it is my turn to play your part,
You set yourself on fire.

I enjoy the fireworks, the heat coming from within you.

Yes I might be numb and cold, yet I breathe you in,
Inhale your firing breath and enjoy the burning sensation
And your need.

I hate you, as much as I love you.
I wanna kill and shred you into hundred of pieces
It gets such a hard work getting you back I would give up on you.
Watch you spread across the ground.

I wanna walk away and never look back to your scattered pieces.
And wish the wind would curry you away from me,
To somewhere I can't hear your voice,
To some distant memory I can't bring back.

I wish you gone, forever.
Forgotten, and lost.
Begone, Away.

My Friday is nearly Over

2005-05-20T09:27:00.000-07:00

Linkin Park
Originally uploaded by Lixrael.

Does anyone like Fridays? They all pass so slow, so dull and unbelievably boring. Once, Friday used to be the day in which my family spends it together. Have Breakfast together, go out, walk, have lunch together, then tea, watch television, and finally have dinner together before each one of us start getting ready for a new week.

Today, I woke up with unexplainable feeling of happiness and excitement. Washed, and dressed up with a kinky twist, put some music and started dancing from 10:30 am till it 3. I got online, chatting with friends and drove them crazy with my need to dance. It was unusual for me to be this happy, so everyone was wondering if I lost my mind or something.

After a while, I calmed down and started looking for new wallpaper for my laptop. I got tired of staring at my future car, which I will soon have next month, inshallah. I tried everything on my desktop, from my fav cartoon movie Finding Nemo, to Eminem, to exotic landscapes, porn, and finally settled down with one of my fav bands ever, Linkin Park. I will have the picture so you can have it if you like, its cool.

But yeah, I seem to be carefree today. No more worried about guys, cars, or Gulf Bank (please don't make a horrible mistake to join them, they are totally fucked up), or even the fact that am broke. I guess my last night's candle relaxation did me good, and I am finally organizing my ideas and plans without doing a list, which is not like me at all.

I need some serious shopping this month. It has been a long time since I properly shopped for nothing more than what I needed. However, after going around the malls yesterday, I began to realize that if I did go shopping with an open appetite to get all what I can get in hand, I will be broke in a matter of an hour. Like, the clothes aren't that of a good manufacture and still are as expensive as the great brand names. Yeah I would like to have them, but do they really match their value? Well yeah, nothing in Kuwait seems to be that of a something. All shops are nearly sharing the same materials and clothesline its so boring often to go shopping.
Ever the less, you can always make your own design and mix between styles and lines to get a new thing for yourself. I am not saying that it isn't possible, am just saying that it is a challenge to be unique here.

I need to buy some undies too. That ain't a problem since that department is enclosed to private parties, which arenât that really Knowledgeable of what is new, and what is not. I feel like having new sunglasses, and a new watch, and maybe a ring for next month. After having my first experience buying jewelry, buying gold and such turned to be not that of a big trouble.

As for cars, man, shopping for those are as hard as buying shoes for me! I can't make up my mind cause when it comes to buying such things, which comfort and durability are a must, I tend to examine them closer than other things, and search for their faults more than their looks or price. Quality comes in the first place.

Damn ... I am a grown up after all. Just look to what I have written. Da ... I used to make jokes of my parents shopping like this, look at me now. I wonder if it is experience or is it just coping and playing the part of "grownups". Maybe both.

Mixed up things in a messed up world, why not? Just keep on reading

2005-05-20T02:59:00.000-07:00

Forbode
Originally uploaded by Shaylor.

Day after day I take a look at my dreams and wonder if they have been only a fantasy. Something of the impossible. I ain't asking much, I know, but it is the wrong thing to ask where I am among who I am with.

Many who are around me who got a believe in me, or it seems to be to me, which I can't find.

I hate listening to things I cannot see or feel. I hate knowing that I am an ignorant fool. Maybe I ain't the one who is blind, but they are the one who are painting an image of what they wish they can see.

I decided I will never rewrite this or look back at whatever I have been typing away. I am doing this for me, not for you. But you are allowed to see this, by me. It has been my choice you know.

Last week, I made up my mind on what my next step will be. I decided to stick my ass here in this fucked up country, and make the best of it. I may even go with the tide and marry someone I don't love. Yes, I choose someone who loves me instead of waiting for my unmoving heart to pick up a beat on someone. I am not sure I can love again.
All the people who knew about my future move tried to stop me of making this "big mistake" as they call it. However, it seems to me the most reliable and the best move I might take in my life. At least am sure that I would be loved and cared for. I need that feeling. Yes, I need it.

I pretend not to, but inside, am burning for attention, I need to cry, I need to be cared for and to be told ten thousand times that am loved, given hundred of kisses and hugs, I need to be someone important and missed.

The only thing that worries me from marrying this person, is possibility of cheating on him one day. I wouldn't like to be the one who hurt such a person. But would I? Would I if I ever found the person I am dreaming of?

I met many who were like such. Guys who seemed to be printed out of my dream box and came to life. Yet, they are never to stay so, either I would soon discover their faults, or slipped into their lovers arms, leaving me wondering what the fuck I have been thinking when I hoped that they would be mine somehow.

Well, when the time comes, things will take its course. Till then, I am going to live my life to the max of my limited space. I won't reach the moon, but I will be given the chance to feel it's reflected rays.

Forgive me

2005-04-29T06:20:00.000-07:00

painting004
Originally uploaded by Lixrael.

When I needed you the most,
You disappear.
When I needed a shoulder to lean on,
You turned away.
When I needed a friend,
You just forgot about me.

It does hurt, to see the ones I most cared about turning away leaving me wondering if it was all such a big lie, what we had together. I feel sick. I feel angry and mostly I feel disappointed. I am disappointed of my friends, or at least, I thought they were.
I want to scream of how much I hate you and how much you hurt me. But that doesnât change a thing. You are still gone.
I am wrong, again, about the dream I have been chasing around. To have real friends.

I donât know what excuses you might be holding for me, and I donât know if would accept them and forgive you.
Those few days showed me what real friends are like. There are some people whom I never thought they care, but found them there for me with arms wide open. And you, my once friends, werenât around. I waited for your calls, searched for your faces through the crowds, but none of you was there.

Excuses â¦ there must be.

What about me? I never gave excuses, pushed myself to the limit, even when it meant myself hurt or worse. Still, I did my best, for your sake, my friends.

Do you remember those? Do you remember me? And how I was always there for you. For your comfort and support?
Where are you now? â¦ Where are you now.

I am sick in my stomach thinking of you.

Friends, sure.

Forgive me my friends, for I no longer see whatâs right and wrong. Am confused, cause I canât find meaning for this all. The dictionaries give me some fake meaning, shadowed explanations. Forgive me, I donât know what friends mean any more.

Truth Unrealized

2005-04-26T14:09:00.000-07:00

One only knows the meaning of loss when he knows the true meaning of love.

Rest in peace our beloved,
For you are never forgotten nor lost.
It is just a dream and soon we are all awake,
To meet our judgment day.

Dear god

2005-04-20T10:21:00.000-07:00

Dear god,

Am pissed. I can't take this shit anymore. More yelling and more frustrations and more fucking things to deal in hand I don't know where to begin with.
I still am paying for my laptop, I have four months left. I have a car on the priority in my list. Had enough of my father asking me to give him back his car since I want to be on my own. I have to pay back the bank for using the Visa for the car's service.

Living on top of the tower isn't that easy. Most of my money goes for junk food and now and then spoiling myself with some fresh bread and cheese. Got addicted to Redbull and I can't have a day without one or two. Yeah, it is pulling my leg that one too.
Sometimes I go thinking of home cooking and how tasty it smelled. When I get home from work and it tickles my senses and ...

On the other hand, I have this decision to get ride of all my past fucked up relationships. As long as they ain't doing any good to me, why should I go along with those? Looking back at it, it wasn't that bad actually, but it had to go. I need to be my own to clear this shit.

Honestly, I need that intimacy. It ease things on me a bit.

god I feel like crying like a baby. But am chocking inside. As if I am trying to tell myself that am mature enough not to let myself down this easy. That am strong and I can handle it. It pushes against my chest and my eyes water a little, yet nothing success of escaping. It is all locked inside. This stubborn me.

So many people I met in my life who claimed how amazed they are to see how strong I have been in front of all this. But I can't see it, damn I can't even feel it. They make me wanna explode my anger with you and with the whole shit.

Why can't I move from where I am? Like a real move, you know. Cause am a cowered and don't have enough well.
I want a fancy car that would nail me down. I want to buy loads of stuff, but my money runs out just before I step into malls. I had this list you see, which lasted now for around five months and I didn't buy a thing on the list yet. Maybe just for the lenses, cause I can't go without them.

Its nearing a year since I spoke to my parents. And because am not talking to my mother, two of my aunts are pissed. One ain't talking to me actually. Fuck her. What really shocked me is how she attacked me one day and nearly slapped me when I went to greet her. I was fucking shocked, since then she is avoiding me and promising some attitude under her breath. The other kicked me a couple of times out of my grandma's house. One of those times was on mother's day. So I went home and watched a movie and slept like shit.

I have been counted as a weirdo before, stranger, and an outsider, but never been hated. Knowing about it makes me wanna sink.

What kills how I am admired and loved by people who got to know the real me, tell me how smart and unique I am and my own family treats me like a piece of disgrace because of the same thing that attracts strangers.

Well god, I wasn't my fault was it? It wasn't my fault to be kicked out of the house because of a reason people think am kidding about when I tell them of it. Beaten cause I wanted to express myself and nearly blew my head off. Was I mistaken when I asked the help of my other family members?

No, it wasn't my fault.

Yeah, I do wonder about what if I didn't speak out. What if I went along with it. I would have been stuck alright, Worse than where I am now.

The idea of volunteering and move along where they need me is really hitting on me more than often now. The uselessness am living is driving me nuts.
I am even not sure of what I really want. I never knew what I wanted. "Haven't you had a dream?" Well, I always dreamed of going around the world. Moving from one place to another, I want to see the world and let be drunk with its beauty and its horror. I want to make a difference to people's lives, instead of ruining my own ...

god how useless you can be in a time like these.
Won't you let me see a vision,
Won't you lead me to a leader I can surrender to?
I want to be a believer.
I want to fight for sometimes I believe.
But there is nothing to believe in.
There is nothing.

The Rise and Fall of Bloom

2005-04-17T16:06:00.000-07:00

I wrote a thousand words in my head,
Words and verses that keeps filling me up.
When it comes to type it in a comprehendible language,
Keys would lose its trail back to my brain.
The connection is lost but the memory and hints of it’s meaningless struggle.

I began drawing again, in pencil I can erase.
It frightens me to know that I will soon fill it with paint hard to control.
So many times I take a look back at those who are hopelessly stained.
They looked better in black and white, why did I ever though of makin'em bright.
Still I bought new brushes and new paint, and I will try my best again.

I know people might try to look behind the text and search for me,
A reflection I am not sure that it is really what I mean.
It’s just me and how I come to express myself,
Nothing grand and no, not even the need for attention it reflects.

My ideas are jumpy, Oh I know.
Can't help it or keep it locked.
One way or another it will get loose,
Comes out as word vomit that one day I will regret.

Word and words,
And line after line,
What I write is what I write.

Nothing flashy or fancy.
Only things that comes out of my messy brain
Or worse.

Today I wanted to talk about war,
After reading "Shiloh".
Even read a ghost story I believe that it might be true.

Then later, after thinking in the bathroom,
As my most bizarre ideas and answers bloom.

Wanted to talk about the so many people I knew
Whom I thought were great put soon failed
People who I took pride in knowing,
People whom I hate and people I took time in loving,
Wanted to talk about sex, and its passion and mysteries.

Then it all faded away as I dried my skin and brain.

2005-04-06T13:43:00.000-07:00

Artist: Limp Bizkit Lyrics
Song: Behind Blue Eyes Lyrics
___________________________

No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
And no one knows
What it's like to be hated
To be fated to telling only lies

[Chorus:]
But my dreams they aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free

No one knows what its like
To feel these feelings
Like i do, and i blame you!
No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through

[Chorus]

Discover l.i.m.p. say it [x4]
No one knows what its like
To be mistreated, to be defeated
Behind blue eyes
No one knows how to say
That they're sorry and don't worry
I'm not telling lies

[Chorus]

No one knows what its like
To be the bad man, to be the sad man
Behind blue eyes.

Have you Ever

2005-04-06T13:41:00.000-07:00

Have you been threatened to be put into an asylum? Have you been told that nobody believes you and wouldn't ever believe you. Have you felt that lose of faith in a better future?
It has been more six years now, still it cuts like a knife. It hurts how it became like an oracle where it crawling into reality. They don't believe you, you're a living lie.

And then you come to wonder, where is the truth in this all?

Here and There in my Day

2005-03-24T14:51:00.000-08:00

Words I don't know their meaning:

Mother
Father
Brother
Family
Friends
Happiness
Peace
Love
Silence

* * * *

I wanted to start praying today. It has been years since I felt serious about as much as lately. However, things didn't go well. Got really pissed off and ... Well, things went into a different direction.

I haven't been sick like this for a long time. It got me really bad. Mostly, things around me are what actually making me sick. Getting to me through my emotions to sink down in side of me, then drowning me with this heavy burden.

* * * *
Am feeling better now, somehow. Redbull is always giving me a good company. It turned to be some sort of an addiction. Good one. Thank god no cigarettes or alcohol or whatever. Just the right good/bad thing to be addicted to.

Dear God

2005-03-18T11:11:00.000-08:00

Things can’t get any worse. I finally got my first confrontation with the law, and even though I tried hard to hold still and tall, in the end I broke into pieces that spread through the floor. It can’t be called a crime even. It was unfair.
I have been beaten, humiliated, the whole package of who I am now.
I wonder if they had the right to do so. If they ever should even touch me or look at me in the eye.
I couldn’t sleep for days, and still I can’t even when I try to think of other pleasant things that once happened in my life. Once.
It was horrible and worse to describe. Even hated myself more for the little I have done.
What shame came up to me, to trust an unworthy one.
How he cowardly stepped back and told the deepest secrets of mine. It was the nightmare I longed to, to spread the secret held by two and tortured me for the past seven years. Still they weren’t willing to make a step. “It was past behind you have to trouble the water to sail back”.

I can’t justify my crime, for I can’t see it even a sin.
I can’t justify my crime, when the start wasn’t mine.
I can’t justify my crime, where I can’t see a reason to say why I took the ride to this side.
The dark side I can’t escape.

God, I don’t know where to go, to make the best of what and where I am.

God, I can’t give in to believes of religion or anything that puts your words on paper and “rules”. Your existence and spirit are free. Man doesn’t have the right to limit it with what he is able to. It is making it more difficult than easy to follow you. At least it is for me.
How can it be wrong to do something that feels so right? A touch, a word, or a help that could be translated to a sin or social taboo?
There must be limits, to the wrong. But why for the right too?

I lived my life so happily when it was built within walls of other’s rules. Soon it got small to wear as I grow and I had to wear new ones that spare me more space to move and think, and even put rules of my own.
My rules are contradicting themselves. Others struggle to survive other’s and wrestle to it’s independences. To be honest, am not sure where I stand now. Am lost again in my ocean of nonsense.

God, I wish I could be allowed to start a new life. Go somewhere I am not known and build my own self again. I want to … you know, be righteous and honest without fearing rejection or hatred. At least, not for the person I am.
But I can’t. Still the chain is too heavy to for me to take it off the ground.
God its so hard to live this life without no aim. There isn’t anything worthy. No real friends, no family, and not even a future for my damn career here in Kuwait. Its just so dull.

I am getting sick God, got to reach the bathroom before I puke all over my PowerBook. I already dropped it and spilled pineapple juice and some 7up too.

Later

Why Things are the Way they are?

2005-03-15T03:30:00.000-08:00

Note:
This article is written by a friend, and I really wanted to share it out with you people. I won't say enjoy, but, think. And if you got any answers, then please do post your comments.

****

I always give this topic much thought. Why is Kuwait the way it is ? Is it because of our culture ? The society ? Or is it because of the segregation in schools. Is it a cause of lack of education ?

What is it exactly that makes our society tick the way it does. Or is it perhaps because the majority of us live in a state of denial ?

Why is sex & dating such a taboo ? Why do we wear multiple masks ? One for home, one for work, one for our loved ones, and one for our friends, and another for our other friends. Why cant we just move on ?

Sometimes I sit in crowded places, and I just happen to observe people. All sorts of people, guys, girls, men, women, kids. I try to picture their lives, what they think, how they feel. Whats going through their heads right this moment. Where are they going ? Are they happy ? Sad ? How do these people behave at home with their loved ones ? Is it the same as here in public ?

I try to think what their idea of life is ? What their goals and principles are. I wonder what they think about, as soon as they get home and walk through the front door. Do they live in a loving environment ? Or is it a hostile one ? Do they have drug problems, or other sorts of problems.

I try to picture where they work, and how they behave at work. The list goes on and on. It might sound strange, but at times I really get into the philosophy of life. And I wonder what it all means ? Is there a purpose to life ? Does god exist ? Do supernatural beings exist. Are there invisible forces at work, beyond our scope of comprehension.

Before I can start with my views on Kuwait, i think its fairly important to understand where Im comming from, and where I have been educated.

In short I attended numerous public/private cathlic/protestant schools in Austria througout my childhood. Post-Invasion I moved back to Kuwait, and was placed into an American Private School.
In the beginnin it was tough, because I had to learn english and arabic. Which is not so easy if you dont have friends. But in that time I observed that the poeple around where very different and strange, when I compared them to my childhood friends.

The weather was always so lousy hot, or humid, with a short but mild winter (*laughs* hehehe) break.

So here we are, in a mixed multi-cultural schooling environment, and as soon as you leave school groungs, everything either turns into haram or eib. When you get home things become a bit more strict. Allmost absurd in certain cases.

My house rules in kuwait were simple:

Girls are not allowed to call home
No Girls allowed to come over
No going out with girls

(A sad and futile attempt to change my european outlook on life)

But anyways, we grew older, still dated, still attended parties etc..
The we graduated and attended college somewhere far far far away from Kuwait. And for the majority of us, we dont really feel like comming back. This is but one of many reasons to explain the 10 year college studies phenominon that is still occuring today.

And in college the entire cycle repeats itself again, only this time its without all the boundries. And because a lot of has had such harsh restrictions placed upon us, in our younger years, we were not able to experience our childhood, or enjoy the norm of a teenage life.

Therefore some go a bit over board. Either by drinkin too much, sleeping around too carelessly, as if to satisfy some sort of a lifetime quota. And unfortunately some of us get invovled into drugs. I would assume that this is some sort of psychological lash back. A way to compensate for things we could never have, or do.

Then we come back to Kuwait, get married, and fall back inline. And the entire vicous circle repeats itself again.

My theory is, that if you keep accusing kids of harams or eibs. Eventually your kids will stop, and think:

Hmm, whats this bad thing that my parents are refering too ?
Why is it bad that I play with a girl ? Or study with one ?

And in the process, the child forms a negative idea of things already at a really young age, and the innocence that was once there, is lost. Im not really sure if this is comming across clearly.
But basically if you keep alerting a child of BAD and EVYL things that COULD happen, the child will start to try to learn what those bad or evyl things are. And inevidably the child will pursue such ideas or concepts.

I believe that Kuwait has "had" a lovely culture back in the good old days. But that was then, and this is now. Things have changed, the world has changed. And it seems to me, that even Islam has changed. (I know the good book, has not changed, but the practice of it has. The way the people use religion today has changed as well)

Everyone seems to use only what suits them, and the rest .....
Today the world is completely different, our culture has no longer just kuwaiti. It has transformed from Al-Kout, to Kuwait. Our culture has gone from Kuwait to Khaleeji, to multi-cultural.

The kuwait has one of the worlds highest engligh literacy rate. That alone should count for something. We are no longer isolated, and have started becomming a melting pot of cultures, religions, and ideals. In other countries the culture has changed from culture to a "live and let live" policy.

You see this in place in Malaysia, Thailand, UAE, USA, Europe, as well as many other countries in the world. Now the question why cant we impliment this here in Kuwait ? Wanna be an extreemist fine.... do so but dont expect others to follow. Wanna be liberal, fine do so, again dont expect others to follow. I guess it would be ideal if we all could just learn to respect and appreciate our differences.

The world is too small to run it the way you want to. You cant just customize it, like you would customize a car. If poeple want to be conservative they will be no matter where you place them. If poeple have a desire to be liberal, they will be, also no matter where you place them.

Truth is, can you tell your parents about everything you have ever done ? Good or bad ? No ? Yes ? I can, and have. Ive got nothing to hide, cause I know I wont be judged by my loved ones. My errors would be pointed out, aide or help would be given, so that I may make a better decision the next time.

Can you ? ( I know some of you can, but Im talkin bout those that lead secret lives, aka the Masked Ones)

These are only minor comlications that foreign educated citizens face, what about those that have been brain washed in public schools ? (This is too long of a story that I will not cover today)

What do you folks think ? Whats your opinion on the matter ?

Emails: Dreams

2005-03-08T16:27:00.000-08:00

Dreams. Everyone has a dream. A dream to desire, a dream to live for. One's dream may sound possible by the heart, but as painful as it can be. A dream, maybe as foolish as or the mind, but as dear as for the heart. I have a dream, of love and peace. I have a dream long I have thought it won’t be read. I have a dream I lost my hope to regain.

huh ... Dreams! .. Yeah a dream but will be real. My mind and heart long have fought over sense and passion. Still, it will always be but a Dream. Man thought of the mood as only in Dreams. But then, he realized it all can come to be real if we want it to be.

Love have been ever called a mystery, and I know, I didn’t find its meaning yet, even though I claim I have fallen in love over and over again. I love, I live for my Love, I cry for Love and then wave goodbye in the end. All alone again.

Living ... what a verb to consider as a living paradox. I think living meant to be along with loving. Living without Loving can not be living. So what’s the use? "Hope" I say and I say it again, Hope. What keeps me alive? "Hope"

Looking to what I have been going through this year and the last, I am surprised to know that I am still alive. And I am thankful for that. Why? Cause I know now everything will be okay. All what I have gone through and going through, each trouble, each tear gave me a lesson. And when I look to myself now, I see that it’s not bad at all. I still have my breath, my hands, my Heart, and my Mind.

However, I lost a lot. And it seems that I continue so.

I am losing fragments of myself. Parts once I thought were eternal in what I call my own. Believes, sense, love ones, friends ... and even dreams.

I don’t know.. Is it part of moving on my way to my Dream? Or is it through self-destruction I've been Dreaming of. To end my life and stay as nothing. "Emptiness".

As much as I hurt, I get hurt in return. Words of regret and apology kills my feeling. A feeling of others are mine.

Drunk ... foolish in a serious game of Life and Death. Still, feeling lawzy, I continue my way. Who would ever thought or done what I did? Who is going to make that step if I didn’t? When can I be my own? I am sick of being Drunk, I am bored of fighting the ride. But where is the escape, if I let go, the stream would wash me away a way to the depth of my life. To what I used to be, under the humble being of being me, what once I have been.

I Had a Dream, and Dreams and Dreams before, each proved to be but a shade of my desires nothing but air. Now, again, I am in the end of another road. Parted into two. Dream and fight against the stream till I fall down back to where I once been. Or Dream and finally pulled out of this insanity and begin Living my Dream. The second is to stand still and return home again. Draw my Dream until it finish and End it all.

Now, what I am is a fighter, not a Lover as one may see. I am fighting over my Dream. I cant Quite, cant wait. I will have another round, and another Dream to live by.

Here I am, full in armor again, lost in the battle of keeping friends around, I lost my partners, lost my fantasies coming true. Lost another part of me was waiting to be lost, to let me enter the quest again without a second hint.
"Who were they? I don’t know? Why gone? ... I Think I know..” No, I think the right to ask this was "Who am I? And why did I kill my pains with others"

I'm lost. I don’t know where did I go wrong being myself, o is there sucha thing being myself. It seems that I have been everything but myself!? Cheating myself, being me. Or whatever I wanted to be me.

" Who is talking?" Pride? Sense? Two words divert into two different ways of understanding as well as acceptance. Blame myself seems to be the blame of others? Or is it the way around.

Hiding behind words, that’s what one told me once. It seems that it works both ways. None sense. I agree. It all is since I came to understand what is the real world. What’s me and what’s others. When I finally found the difference of how to be on each side.

Trust, is something I give and never take. Cause I know Trust belongs into one place and there, where it will rest.

Strange how come hatred comes into scene when you may believe that Love is the Word to last.

There is one thing for sure. I never take off things of my mind as easily as others claim, nor do I Love and Hate that way. Friends are Friends, Lovers are Lovers, and the Truth always remains, as the Truth, no turning back. Truth may hurt as well as being true. But where is the escape, but to Dream again.

Something I cannot Accept

2005-03-03T14:07:00.000-08:00

I
Originally uploaded by Lixrael.

You can accept differences and change in friends,
But not when the change is lying or deception.

A thing that would break the bound, between it all.
And trust is finally breaking apart everything special,
As it once was. Yet. not anymore.

I want it All

2005-03-03T06:51:00.000-08:00

Field
Originally uploaded by Lixrael.

Some times, I wish i can draw my world with my bare fingers,
I want to paint my face with a smile,
I want to paint my world with different colors,
Not Black and White.
I want it to reflect my Spirit.
Happy and content.

I don't want to be sad, or alone.
I want to have friends who would keep along.

I want the sky so blue,
Clouds so white,
Flowers so Red,
Sand so clean,
Rocks so dark.

Oh I want to be all what I want to be.
I want my world to be all what I wanted.
I want, I want, and I want it all.

This is my innocent, unchanged self.
Someone who dreams and full with hope.
Wish I wont walk back to the darkness as soon as i finished this.
For I want to dream this and forever follow it.
Believe it and live with it.

Please, I want it all.
Please don't take it away
You who are hiding within my shadow,
To destroy it all ...
Please, I want it all.

Emails: Living, loving, and beinig a Human

2005-02-28T17:34:00.000-08:00

Note:
This email goes back to about two years and two months.

Dear Asad,

I left you this afternoon with lots in mind. Its a mystery how I flow easily while you are around, it astonishes me.

Still remember that day I went to see your gallery for the first time. I was in my way to my grandmother's house when I noticed a sign at the door that gripped my attention. After my short visit I went to see what would change my course ... for a life time.
The first moment I stepped inside the building I was captured by the paintings on the walls. Each seemed to invite me into a World of its own, a reflection and a part of a whole. For the first time I felt a connection with each painting as if you were to stay in a midst of a cold night seeking the warmth it sends deep inside. They embodied true presentation that unbelievably reflected not only feelings but ideas I believed in for so long through the Art I adores. A feeling of loss, need of freedom and creation, a cry to break the rules that chain us down, moments of struggle, peace, and wisdom. It brought all what what lies beneath my skin.

Going through each door into Worlds of paint and ink, tried hard to sink into it's reality aimlessly to search for the mind and soul of the person they reflect. I was charmed and haunted by the need to know who lies behind those. I needed to know you, the origin, the birth source.

Funny how destiny plays a part in strengthening my determination. I waited for your arrival to take a glimpse of you, came the next day and never had the chance to meet you. Thirsty for knowing you I finally got in touch with you through your website. Getting emails from you was thrilling, knowing you is a living ...

Now you're asking me who are you to me ... you're the one I have searched for through your creation only to reach you. The creation that offered me a road to take leading to knowing you. And am amazed since the first day I stepped into it.
Not only did this open a door of delight in knowing you, fear found his way to my heart as well. I knew fear only when I realized how far I reached high. Just few steps from the fantasy you became to be my reality. Became the things I feared as much as desired most. To me, you seem to be asking me to fly into skies I didn't know exists only in my dreams. The fear of a fall I climbed in higher in it's pursued.

Nights you invaded my dreams. A desire of closeness, a stand to take to show my pleasure in knowing you. You insured your place over and over again in my heart, and I step back in shock of how deep you reached inside of me. I escape the look of your eyes hoping to stop you from sinking deeper.
And a shield I build to protect myself from a mistake am aware of.
You are to me a dream I wish to embrace with all my desire. Acknowledging this fact drives me to think twice before every step I make. I was brought up by restrictions, even though I don't believe in, am afraid am ruled with. Crossing this boundary would push me to sail into stormy sea am aware it might pull you in as well.
We aren't living in a World of our own. We don't own magic brushes to create our realities. We have to deal with the reality and create the future steps to lead the generation to come.
I might sound a little bit absurd and maybe taking it to a higher ground ... But I can't find another way to explain why I am trying to step back from what I loved most. Why I keep a distance. I don't want to be more deeply charmed by you to reach a state where I wont think by my mind, but by a burning desire and a willing heart.

You will never know how much you are to me. For the first time in my life I find myself dealing with a person that gathered all my dreams into one Angel. I never thought it possible for you to be. Like a perfect crystal sphere am turning one way to another trying to find a fault, an imperfection I would claim a reason to escape, but its all useless.

I don't know what to say ... and this song (One More Time) is making it worse. So sweet ... Your taste in Music is amazing. Dangerous in another words lol.

Sweet dreams honey, you're one of your kind

Am just a fool of passion,
Never knew the galaxy to travel its stars.
So many times did I believe,
You sang for your past lovers on each shining star.
And wished myself to belong to a raise of the sun
to steal your love away.
But am just a page to turn in time.
It might not be so for the time being,
Nevertheless, it will when its time to be.
A page, a moment, a memory
Of that long way journey ...
Living, loving and being, a human.

Email: Waiting by the Gate

2005-02-27T14:15:00.000-08:00

Dear Rich,
In one blink of the eye, my break is over and I am ready to get back to college on Saturday to start up the second semester. As I have promised myself, I will work harder this time to over come my lost in the last Syntactical battle as well as to accede in the rest of the courses I am having.

This semester, I tried to get all the subjects, which are both available and interests me. So I would grantee to do my best without feeling bored or forced to work through the whole course. I have taken Greek Mythology & Literature, Modern American Poetry & Drama, 19thc Novel and, the one which I couldn’t escape, translation. The syntax course I am retaking this time is still in the waiting list. I hope I would go through so I would finish it up now and for good.

Here we go again Richard. In front of this gate. And remember we are going to do this together. Your lose is mine. I believe in you and your ability. Whatever comes is going to be a challenge you are ready for to win, I bet on your successful future. So work to prove its true. And I know it is. Its going to be hard, I am not trying to ease it. But there is only one thing I am sure of … do what you can, with what you have, where you are, and someday, you will find yourself where you want. You want to get down, you will. You want to get up, that is your choice and no one else’s.

Richard, we both know that each of us has gained a great deal of knowledge. What is it? Well knowledge is: a collection of different information. Unless we apply what we learnt to our lives, it will be useless to learn and a waste of time. Whatever we learn is like … like a vehicle and perhaps instrument into unveiling who are we and where are we in life at specific point in time. The more we know our selves, the more we know how to deal with our selves, please ourselves and others around us. Then that would become meaningful. Meaning, I believe, does not have to be what others value it to be. It ought to be what YOU create it to be. It is your life and no one else’s. Am I right Richard?
This is only what I have in mind right now. I am determined about it this time. And I want you to share it with me. I have thought of it over and over again, and I found that if I didn’t move right now, in this moment, I may regret that stop later in the future. I think it is now when we can determine what kind of future we are going to have. I know I can do it, and YOU do too. It only needs time, effort, and patience. I feel like a warrior now, full armed. My horse seems to be hard to control somehow, but I know we are going through it together and we will get over it by time. I am getting to know my ability and desire, and I am in control.
What about you? Chose your horse, and let me know when you are ready. Decide which bridge to cross and which to burn. I am waiting by the gate. See you partner.

Remember, One for One and One for All

Emails

2005-02-26T21:01:00.000-08:00

I’ve changed … and even though I hate who I am now, I still think it is better than the I once been. Reading some of my last innocent emails make my heart race with panic, feel sick and shaky.
I don’t know the order of those emails, but instead of deleting them, I decided to post them in my blog. Even leaving those intimate parts. It is me, so there is no shame of having them.

They are the remains of a relationship I had which I thought would last a lifetime. But it did not.
Thinking of it, it would be nice reading them. As if they are directed to you, the reader. Enjoy them, and take in a part of me. And remember, it was once been me, not anymore. I’ve changed.

Email: Growing Up

2005-02-26T09:02:00.000-08:00

Things are now quiet at home, but my mind. I have been moving down stairs and up stairs till my father felt pity on me and decided to do something. Guess what? He took my sister’s computer and gave it to me. It’s an old computer, which was once mine. But I gave it up to my sister when I bought the new one. Well, it has win word, which I need and use most often, but the problem is, it doesn’t have a modem. So there is no use. At least now I have something to do my work and home work with up stairs. However, I am now without either a scanner or a printer. So I have to work here my papers and stuff, then go down stairs to print them out. I took that with acceptance. I don’t want more trouble than what I have already. And at least I can write and work here, in my own place in peace.

Something I noticed when I brought this oldie up is the setting of the computer. It is the same old setting I worked on three years ago. Every thing black and gloomy. The toolbar, the desktop, even the font, are all so dark colored. I am surprised that my sis didn’t change anything. I found old poems of mine, which I wrote then. It seems that I suddenly took this trip to the past days I lived. Through my past thoughts and idealism of the teenager. Things that I am now laughing at, oh how serious once I thought of them, now I am laughing. There are even things I can’t remember that they were true at all. It also contains some of the secret files which I still remember their passwords. I was delighted when I found that they were some of my diary pages I have written on my computer. It was my best friend whom I told my secrets and shared my thoughts with. What a journey to the past.

You know, it is really a strange thing to grow up. It seems that I was yesterday playing with my brother and my cousins, knock them down role on the ground, hit and run, scream and cheer, now, we are slowly driven apart. Something different came to be between us, we are no longer kids, but women and men. Each of us has developed some kind of different ideas and different ways of looking at things. Some kind of boundary has raised between us. However, there is still something inside of us that did not change. For I still understand the way they feel and why they act so even though our worlds are going into separate directions. For I know the base, and so I can tell what comes to be.

Somehow, those times we had as kids are still engraved inside of our memories. Flashbacks came into sight in surprisingly familiar way. Situations happens in front of you, that you clearly remember that you did go through that moment by yourself once, and here it goes again.

That is not only happening through our personal life, but it seems it’s a kind of system the whole world comes to repeat. There has been always religious conflict around the world between the same parties, there have been always a conflict between the rich and the poor, politics and humanity, the older generation with the new generation, man and nature, nature’s forces against each other, life and death. Struggle between the powers of the world is what makes it goes a round. Life is but a cycle. And if there is no beginning, there won’t be an end, and vice versa.

Some times I wonder, what is the end of this universal confusion.
Universal justice cased to be the dream of man on this earth. Some found the justice they have been looking for within themselves. Others in their religious beliefs others in emptiness they create.

Anyway, it seems when I am alone, my mind takes over my sense of the present. Making me looking at life as a philosopher. Well, every one of us is a philosopher of his own. But philosophy can’t never lead, in my opinion, into a solution but can only leads to wisdom, not into the certain end. It opens you thousands and thousands of doors. Door after door, door after door, but without closing anyone of which are left behind. Suddenly you would find yourself lost in a maze with all doors open, but with no exist to ease the mind.

But late at night, when I am finally in bed, I hold my pillow by my side, and think of you, my far away love. What are you doing now? Do you think of me as I do, will I be touching you? Can I be in your arms one day? Can I breathe holding you close to my heart? I need you.

No matter what, no matter how tough man can be, or his mind so deep in thought, he will always keep that human inside. Fire of passion burning for the one and only he can pour his mind and heart into, to rest and breathe the peace meant in this life.

When thinking of how lives bless and stress, of love and hate I have been through and what now seems to be, a dream of you and me. Tears overcome my joy and heart races my mind. I want to be with you forever on. And I look though the window and make a wish upon a star that my love will forever last.

I close my eyes and turn around. I open them and I find myself safe in your arms. Hold you close and I say, “I am yours”. You take me away into our dreamland where we will never get to be alone. To share our lives and have the lord’s blessings forever more. We sit on the grass, I look into your eyes, touch your face and kiss you softly. Show you how much you mean to me. You choose me from all, gave me the honor to share your life, to be by your side. I will give all my life for your sake, give it all to see the smile never leave you face. We will so be free of lives stresses and fears. For we are now together and nothing will come between.

Now I know that was a moment of a dream. I get to bed and have it all with me. In my heart I know I will, be with you and never let it be just a dream, but real. God bless thee rich and keep you safe and warm through the nights and days and keep on belief and shake off the fear, we will be together near.

Your love,

Three Days

2005-02-26T09:00:00.000-08:00

Three days of Cheese Balls eaten with chopsticks and Redbull. Three days in which I killed three, and still laying on the floor. Three days without hearing my name called by another human lips. Three days and only the echo of the main door being shut is heard. Three days of listening to music and hot showers steaming the room. Three days of lonely angry living, and one day left to get back to normal.

Numb

2005-02-22T09:11:00.000-08:00

Am turning cold and numb with every single day. Nothing to be proud about, but a realization that haunts me. It actually freaks me out.
Just a minute ago my sister tried hopelessly to bring me back to my senses. She has been talking of codes and foreign meanings I am not able comprehend anymore. Even cried for my soul’s sake trying to wash the blackness off my stained heart. Still that didn’t shake the iceberg building within, digging deeper than what it seems. I am dead and cold. Can’t believe that she wasn’t able to reach me and shake that ice. I even smiled back at her tears and blooded eyes.

Now I can see why some people though I might be possessed or something. Maybe I don’t.

2005-02-17T14:33:00.000-08:00

The beginning is the most important part of any work.
- Plato